We're Having A Heat Wave, A Tropical Heat Wave

The temperature's rising
It isn't surprising
She certainly can can-can

Today officially marks the end of 9 (or was it 10?) consecutive days of triple-digit temperatures in Birmingham. We also happen to be in the midst of the worst drought in recorded history (or is it "recorder history"?). The annual rainfall is over 2 feet shy of where it's supposed to be this time of year, and it looks like it's going to stretch through the fall and winter.

But this post isn't about global warming; it's about something else entirely; it's just that I'm not sure what it's about yet.

But that's a whole 'nother post.

Tomatoes aren't particularly thirsty plants, requiring a mere 1 inch of rain per week. And they really thrive in humidity. But they don't seem to thrive in 103 degree weather for a week and a half. And I've had to water them, and 14 rose plants, illegally 13 times now.

The combined heat and humidity created heat indices above 110 degrees. A guy in Mobile died when he got drunk one morning and passed out in his car, the interior of which rose to 150 degrees. (Note to self: I've got and excellent idea on how to defrost a roast in pretty short order on the cheap. $$$!!!)

I actually caught on fire Sunday when I was weeding the beds, but I think that had less to do with the heat and more to do with trying to light a cigarette with a magnifying glass.

The Birmingham Water Works Board very early in the summer declared massive reductions in the reservoir levels from where we get our water. Then they threatened folks with surcharges if citizens' water usage exceeded a certain number of gallons, doubling one's utility bill for all intents and purposes.

They threaten fines and jail time for those watering illegally. Meanwhile my neighbors who are selling their house have practically set up a hydroponic water village theme park in the front yard, with 2 sprinklers going all out at high noon. It's like my last suggestion card for my gym: "Hey. Why don't you, in addition to having rules governing the use of the indoor pool, enforce said rules. Thanks!"

Then it was revealed that The Birmingham Water Works cannot account for 26% of the water it produces, a percentage significantly above that of the national "standard". I.e., the Water Works wastes over a quarter of all the water that runs out of there.

So instead of finding out where the "leak" is and plugging it, they make us pay them to lose water. They ask us to conserve water while they might as well be letting all the Southside fire hydrants spew full blast all weekend every weekend. They've got a toilet running over in accounting and I'm squatting in front of a camellia bush that looks so bad I'm waiting for I Am Who Am to start yammering on and out about 10 rules of thumb that may or may not come in handy down the road, and my Japanese Maple makes Nagasaki circa '45 seem like a fireworks display. (Or was it?)

The real beauty of it is that 1.) they've known about the "leak" for years and have done nothing about it; 2.) we've had droughts before and they've not put in place preventative measures for future relief; and 3.) i.e., they've not learned from their mistakes. I'm beginning to wonder if they're running the war effort, and it's actually not a jukebox tuned in to a discarded Chinese satellite aimlessly circling Neptune calling the shots. Or by an insane retard.

I suppose it's simply yet another case of the preferred method of bureaucratic management philosophy: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but we won't because it'll collapse before we get to the other side--[ka-FWOOOOSH!!!]

Listen: If I'm going to pay my city utilities to fuck me up the ass with a strap-on, I'd damn sure better have some weird masochistic sex fetish, because otherwise I just don't think I'd be getting my money's worth. And I won't even mention the fact that it's not the most efficient use of my personal finances. Or of my asshole, for that matter.