The 4,000th Dead American G.I. Office Pool

That's right, kids. It's that time o'year again already. And the clock's a'tickin'. So get out your strip club singles and pick your squares, because if you can't grift some cash from needless death, what's the use of war profiteering in the first place!?

With an average of 1,000 G.I. deaths per year, why should 2007 be any different? Because if you don't see soldiers as military industrial complex pawns, then you're probably not looking in the right direction.

So rack your brain, get the prognosticating juices flowing, and pick the day ole number 4,000 takes a bullet for folks who don't want us there, and faster than you can justify torture, you'll be swimming in fabulous prizes much the same way wounded vets were stewing in their own feces over there at Walter Reed.

The winner will receive:

-A "Support our troops by putting a 'Support Our Troops' bumper sticker on your soccer mom punk'd out Humvee that in no way really does anything palpable to support our troops other than reveal your own morbid sense of 2nd-hand 3rd-rate patriotism to other motor vehicle operators" bumper sticker
-Freedom ("management" reserves the right to [re]define "freedom" as it sees fit at any time for any reason without notice, always)
-A terror-free week on our own shores (date TBD, BYOB)
-The knowledge that your vote in 2004 was in no small way complicit in his/her death
-Chronic disenfranchisement, again
-A Johnson & Johnson patented navel lint remover
-Nationally mandated guilt
-An authentic FOX News "We Report. You decide. Nobody cares." bumper sticker
-A Nancy Grace action figure that vomits up facts before checking them against actual facts before even family members have been informed of something that may or may not have happened to loved ones
-Scented bath salts
-Even more freedom (such that it is, when convenient, time permitting, some restrictions may apply)
-A "We went all the way to Iraq to liberate something/someone and all we got was this stupid civil war" coffee mug
-An "I [heart] KBR" lapel pin
-A "Here's their blood. Now where's our oil?" refrigerator magnet
-Personalized phone tap transcripts
-A "Bombs Over Bagdad" ring tone
-A some expense-paid trip to the 4,000th dead American G.I.'s funeral, where you will witness first-hand democracy on the run--er, march
-A commemorative 9/11 pewter hand-washing basin
-A "4,000 kids died in the desert on a lie and all I got was this T-shirt that says 'Spreading Democracy Rules!!!'" T-shirt
-A reelected president who's technically retarded (I have the test scores)
-A "My great-great-great-granddaughter will be an honor student at Dubya Junior High -- she's also going to pay for this war, in every sense" bumper sticker
-A clue

That's right, folks. The 4,000th dead G.I., whether he or she be Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marine, is right around the corner (probably around the corner of that building that just exploded). So don't miss out on an opportunity to profit from it. Your favorite corporations sure haven't, so why shouldn't you?

But if you really want to support our troops, then enlist, you faggots. Why should my nephews have to fight for your freedom to download porn off The Internets? I suspect that if every one of you Bush supporters were drafted, the war would be over in a week. Who knows? Maybe you could be number 5,000. It's worth a look. Or are you unfit for duty, having, like Larry Craig, Ted Haggard and Mark Foley, suffered from a blow to the head?

And if you can guess what town he or she is from, we'll fly you there where you can explain to his or her family that unless more men and women are sent to die alone in the desert for freedom (or is it for democracy), then his or her death would be rendered meaningless. Good luck!