Please refrain from your leaps of illogic, ill-informed American public. I mean, honestly, just because Larry's had one in his mouth doesn't mean he's had his shit packed. But unless you realize that playing footsies in the airport john constitutes nothing more than a case of nervous leg disorder, he'll never get it in the end.
Just because the writing's on the wall, or, in this particular case, the stall, doesn't mean he's playing Hide The Tube Steak every Friday at the Don't Ask Don't Tell Motor Lodge off route 19. (Hourly rates available. Discretion Advised. Free lube.)
He may or may not be a liar. He may or may not be forthright. He even may or may not have given Richard Simmons a handjob between red eyes to the coast and back. But one thing we can be relatively certain about is that Larry Craig is not gay.
He's very not attractive
This one should be obvious, kids. Gay men of the homosexual persuasion are almost to a man attractive. I mean, look at Tom Cruise!?
He dresses poorly
Uh-oh. Looks like ole Larry's feeling the fallout since Details magazine padlocked the doors. I've seen better dressers at an IT convention.
He's an idiot
Gays are many things. And stupid just ain't one of them. Take a number, Betty.
Idaho disallows the illegal immigration of homosexuality across its borders
Ouch! Learned that one the hard way, literally.
Cher is just another aging pop star to him
Larry's version of "If I Could Turn Back Time" that he performs every Thursday during karaoke night at The Shaft Club's drag queen review almost always flops, and he totally stole his choreography to "Life After Love" from Bette Midler, not Madonna. Ever heard of a hobby, you assholes?
HIs wife decorated their home
All Larry did was look at hundreds of Ralph Lauren paint chips and thousands of Martha Stewart cloth swatches just to "get her going in the right direction", more or less.
The emergency room cucumber removal thing was totally accidental, all 7 times
Everybody, and I do mean everybody knows that holding a cucumber up your ass strengthens the sphincter and prevents rectal cancer. Are you people retarded?
He's married
But duh! Listen up: gay dudes don't get married. They just don't. Even if they're in the closet, trying on the wife's Manolos or seeing if grandma's wedding dress still fits. Case closed.
So, to sum up: Larry Craig isn't gay because of bad genes, bad jeans, inattentive shopping schedules, illegal alienations, gypsies tramps & thieves, exposed brick being so 80s, a whole new meaning to the phrase "salad shooter", and "a marriage of convenience" or "a carriage of man-venience".
[sigh] I'll just be over here talking to myself some more.
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2 comments:
Old joke: "Well, what are you doing with those suppositories, eating them?"
I think what matters as a Republican is not that he's gay, but that he's totally worked up and ashamed about it, at least when anyone's looking. Like whathisname's gambling, or that other guys whoring, or that one dude's pedophilia, or all those other members of the closeted old party.
Can you make a totally sexual euphemism for "projecting" or "overcompensating?" Yeah, probably.
Gay or not, Larry Craig belongs to a party that has been doing its best to erode civil liberties (and, thanks to 9/11, it's done pretty damn well), and one that has banned same sex marriage. So it's more the rank hypocrisy that offends.
For example, in my province, Ontario, the premier--who is whoring on the campaign trail--just came out against government funding for separate school systems which, considering that he, his wife, and his kids all went through the catholic school system and that in 1998 he is on record as saying he supports separate schools for Jews (in a good way, with the National Jewish Congress and not in a 1930's German way...) is pretty darned hypocritical, too.
Though not nearly as juicy as a sex scandal, admittedly. Not sure why Canadian politicians have so few sex scandals--maybe there just isn't enough power involved.
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