O.J. Casino Video Transcripts Leaked

Juice Caught With Hand In Sports Memorabilia Jar
IF THE JERSEY FITS IT'S GOODBYE RITZ
Marsha Clark Recruited To Screw Up Open-Shut Case Completely, Totally
What Happens In Vegas In Bars Stays In Vegas Behind Them

Uh oh. Don't look now, but word on the street is that O.J. Simpson may or may not have tried to steal back all his worthless sports crap that he sold in order to pay off the family of that blond gal and her male gigolo he murdered over ten years ago, creating motherless children again. Packing heat and some extra muscle, even. I guess his next book will be Just Exactly How Stupid Am I?

Man. That's a well you don't go to more than once. Karma. I don't care if you've got "slave feet": Nobody but nobody outruns the Vegas P.D. Not his best Ocean's Eleven moment, to say the least.

Unless you haven't heard it yet, TMZ.com has a recording of O.J.'s confrontation with the hotel casino concierge attempting to thwart a robbery. It's not pretty and may not be suited to our younger readers. Many boat hands died for this information. Proceed at your own risk.

"Concierge: Good evening, sir. How may I help you?
O.J. Simpson: Hi. I'm O.J. Simpson. You may recognize me from those TV commercials where I jumped over all the airport seating to catch a flight.
C: Hmm... I don't recall those.
OJS: Really? I used to play football. I'm quite famous.
C: Were you in Roots?
OJS: No, but I was in the first 2 Naked Gun movies. Wait. Was I in the second one? I know at one point I got pushed off the deck of a boat in a wheelchair. Funny stuff!
C: I'm not familiar with that film franchise. Now what is it I can do for you?
OJS: Well, see, here's the thing: A bunch of my stuff is in your vault, and I kinda sorta need it back in order to get to the bottom of who killed my ex-wife, finally.
C: Oh, now I remember: You're the dude with the ill-fitting glove and the baked surfer dude living out back. Say, whatever happened to that guy? Didn't he have a talk show at one point?
OJS: He's currently painting pictures on turtles in San Jose. Anyways, about my stuff. Can I have it, please?
C: Let me check the manifesto... Hmm... It says here that the contents of our vault are the property of several other people, but I don't see your name amongst them.
OJS: Well, if you went and got my stuff you'd see that my name is on most of the sports memorabilia. If it's not mine, then tell me why it's got my name on it.
C: Your name being on the merchandise has nothing to do with it. Possession is 9/10ths of the law.
OJS: Did you actually think I was going to come into a hotel casino in Vegas and demand the contents of its vault without some backup? Just how stupid do you think I am? Wait. That's catchy, might make a nice follow up to If I Did It. Darnell, write that down. Now, where was I? Oh, right. What if I told you that I and my 2 associates happened to have guns in our pockets?
C: I'd ask, 'Or are you just happy to see me?'
OJS: Don't do anything funny.
C: Sir, armed robbery is no laughing matter. I'm afraid I'll have to deny your request.
OJS: Then I demand to see your supervisor.
C: Very well. [click] Steve, could you come to the front desk? Someone claiming all that useless shit in the vault is his because it's got his name on it would like to speak to you. [click]
OJS: Now we're getting somewhere.
Assistant Night Manager: What seems to be the problem here?
OJS: The stuff in your vault is mine. I'd like it back. I'm in a bit of a time jam and I'd appreciate your cooperation.
ANM: Your name, please?
OJS: O.J. Simpson. I'm a football player.
ANM: Really? You look a little long in the the tooth for the gridiron. You look familiar to me. Were you on Dancing With The Stars?
OJS: No, but I competed in many Battle Of The Network Stars.
ANM: Battle of the what what?
OJS: Battle Of The Network Stars? When TV stars would form teams made up of actors starring in some of television's favorite shows back in the 70's and early 80's. Farah Fawcett, Mike Farrell, Dan Haggerty, Richard Hatch, Gabe Kaplan. You know, the giants. They'd compete in obstacle courses and things of that nature. And the grand finale would be the tug-of-war contest between the top 2 teams of the 3 networks. PBS could never throw a team together. They'd try to put together a crew, but Louis Rukeyser would always pull out at the last minute. He was their baseball dunk ringer. Anyways, I need my stuff.
ANM: So you're a TV actor?
OJS: Er, sort of. You may have seen what's turned out to be the 1st reality TV show over 10 years ago. It was called Oops! I Just Killed My Wife! It was genius. Someone plants my dead ex-wife in the kitchen, blood everywhere, a knife, bloody footprints, latex gloves...
C: Weren't you Benson on Soap?
OJS: No. Seriously? You don't remember? The white Bronco low speed police chase? [makes steering motions in air] 'If it doesn't fit, you must acquit'? The trial that lasted over a year? I'm the most famous bullet dodger on the planet. I may or may not have chopped my wife's head off, but I told a whopper, just like Queen Elizabeth's Diana plot, or our current president.
ANM: Not ringing any bells. I'm afraid I'm unable to meet your demands, Mr.... Simpson, was it?
OJS: Then I need to see your supervisor.
ANM: Very well. [click] Dan: Could you come to the front desk please? [click]
Head of Security: What do you want, O.J.?
OJS: Thank god. You know me. But wait: You're black. The head of security is black?
HoS: Thanks for taking the time to notice. You have a problem with that?
OJS: As a matter of fact, I do.
ANM: Why?
OJS: Because when a black man is found innocent of killing a white woman when it's obvious he's guilty, white people don't riot in the streets. Unless it's the deep south pre-civil rights, in which case there's no trial; he was just lynched.
OJS: Fuck you.
HoS: Fuck me? I grew up watching you play football. You were like Baryshnikov in cleats. Performance art at its finest. An incredible role model for black youth. How ironic that it turns out you're little more than an ignorant thug. You're no better than these rappers that talk about hos and bling and killing cops. You may have beat the rap, but i'd rather 50 Cent babysit my kids.
OJS: Fuck you. We've got guns.
HoS: Really? You pin cushion your wife and now you're trying to rob people? I wonder what Jackie Robinson would think.
OJS: I wonder what Jesse Jackson would think, nigga!
HoS: I bet you do. Listen: Do yourself a favor, leave, sober up, call your agent, get your acting career back on track, take a page out of Wynona Rider's book. Anything to prevent yourself from embracing your self-fulfilling destiny as a small time has-been. Think of the kids.
OJS: I'm O.J. Simson. I won the Heisman trophy. I shredded my ex-wife's face with a carving knife and got away with it. I can do anything I want. Now give me my shit.
HoS: This hotel is equipped with 123,597 hidden cameras, 239 of which are currently pointed directly at you. Just exactly how stupid are you?
OJS: How stupid am I? Stupid enough to kill my own wife and get away with it. That's how stupid. It'll all be in my new memoir. Darnell? Are you getting all this?
Darnell: No, but I think that little microphone in those flowers might be.
OJS: Oh. Right. Can I have a copy of that?
HoS: Sure. But something tells me you won't be the only one getting a copy.
OJS: Excellent. Nothing like a little pre-released buzz to raise some cash. Daddy needs a new lawyer. Could you cc it to Entertainment Tonight? I know a guy.
HoS: Congratulations on your finally having achieved '10-foot pole' status. Loved the book, by the way."

To be continued...