She called last night.
I didn't answer. A buddy from work called, too, and wanted me to come over to watch the Roddick/Federer match (he's got cable, obviously). I probably should've gone.
So, no, I didn't answer. But it took all I had not to call her back. She left a message, something about having had a slight sinus infection related to her new (tooth) veneers. Funny. Sweet. Like we'd just talked earlier in the afternoon or something. I'm beginning to wonder if her obtuseness is some sort of pathological condition.
There's a Thai restaurant in Crestline (high end suburb of The Ham, part of Mountain Brook, "The MILF Capital Of The Southeast", you might say). Down the street from the restaurant is a nearly life-size chess board, with pieces to match. One of the last times she and I went there (stoned, obviously), we played a game after dinner. I let her win. It was sweet. Endearing.
Why call? Seriously? Why the fuck call?
This may come as a shock to some of you, but I really like to make people laugh, especially you people, because you're so goddamn smart. It makes me feel good to make smart people laugh while stupid people just sort of sit there, reading (I presume they kind of can) with that scrunched up, furrowed brow and the mouth half-open.
I try not to talk about my own posts, but I was surprised at how much anger there was in that one about the 4,000th dead American G.I. Anger not directed particularly well nor executed properly.
(You may recall that my musings with regard to the 3,000th dead G.I. didn't go over too well. Speaking of which, it makes me nervous when daveto takes so much heat. I don't get it. He's one of the most cogent, observant, thorough, thoughtful, perceptive and funny posters. [Confession: He's funnier than I am. Remember "I'm every-fucken-where"? 'Nough said.])
My alleged hatred of Jews, my Zionism, my bigotry with regard to blacks and Mexicans (really, anyone not white), my homophobia ("homophobia"? I'm not afraid of the gays; I just don't like them) and my misogyny -- all are both real and imagined, only the way they could be and only the way they could work for "the greater good" (and "the greater funny"!) in an online context. And I continue to be stunned that all y'all get it. How fucked up is that?
Listen to more Patton Oswalt.
But honestly: Why the fuck call?
We all get the "You know, you look like what's-his/her-name" bit when we go out to eat. I've gotten Heath Ledger (whatever), Matt Damon (hardly) and Glen Ford (pretty accurate, actually). But the one I get most often and most consistently is, "Hey, you look like that one gay guy who gets the shit kicked out of him in that Jack Nicholson movie with the gal from Twister," which I take as a compliment. This is the dude who cut his teeth on Talk Soup, for heaven's sake. I recently bought Mystery Men when I ordered The Mystery Guest online for august's book club discussion. It's a perfect movie. I don't know why it doesn't make more Top 10 Lists, frankly. Stiller, Azaria, Macy, Gerofalo, Herman (Reubens), Waits, Izzard, Rush, and Kinnear.
I hear Greg's killer in Little Miss Sunshine (it's in the Netflix queue). But he's nothing short of astounding in Mystery Men. Astounding.
So I guess I'll just keep trying to piss certain people off and make certain people laugh ("Ronald Reagan Caused 9/11", "Blogging The Mystery Guest", "Top 10 Disasters Of 2007"). It's the least I can do.
I miss my dad, which is a good thing, because I think it's an excellent testament to the sort of father he was. And he was funny, only the way midwesterners can be. I miss him.
(Thanks, by the way. I wonder if you guys will ever know just how much I appreciate you, in the strictest and most substantial sense. And I gotta believe that that's not unhealthy, considering the context/format/media. I'll never forget all the times y'all have made me laugh. The one that tickles me quite a bit is when I harken back to the original Regulation Hottie Retard Smackdown, when 7th (Seventh) Heaven got cancelled, and Faithbased lit up like a tackily decorated whitetrash X-mas tree, and rundeep and bright-virago basically traded 1-liners for the better part of an afternoon/early evening with idiotically insane lunatics. You just can't script that. [Okay, you can; but it's not easy and shouldn't be tried at home without supervision {unless you're me}.])
(Drinking to remember, indeed. I've always found Ben Folds terrifyingly profound. That sucks. Maybe in a good way.)
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9 comments:
I'm tempted to try to make some sort of analogy between her dental work and vagina dentata.
But I won't.
Veneer, however, is a very good metaphor.
Should'a seen the match. I only saw the first set and tiebreak, but I could see what was going to happen. Roddick was superb, but Federer is god.
Greg Kinnear, huh? That fits, somehow. When I was 17, people told me I looked like Brooke Shields, because I was the only other woman in America with dark thick eyebrows. As I got older, I got Isabella Rosellini. Now I get "you look nice."
Like the newly discovered retractable jaw of the Moray Eel--the first teeth do the initial attachment and then the second set grab lunge out, grab, and bring you down the throat, that much closer to the belly of the beast.
Ummm, I've known people like that.
I find it uncanny how daveto can just lob back sardonic quips to those freaks until they're frothing at the mouth and threatening to come to Toronto to beat him up, and he hasn't even broken a sweat.
"everyfuckenwhere" made a permanent impression on me, too.
I think Dave bugs 'em because he often acts like he's not trying (and maybe he's not), which they mistake for an easy mark. But he tends to be a whole lot sharper than the people he irritates. Seeing his "last reply" makes me open a thread (when I bother to visit there at all).
How late do you people stay up? I had to turn in after ogling the women's match (which, um, was good tennis too).
If I can ever find it, I'll post a high school picture of mine in which I sport a quasi-fro, no doubt to the amusement of all. No, it wasn't in style in the eighties.
Look at it this way switters, if you somehow get saddled with this relationship long-term, it wouldn't solve a goddamn thing, and it'd be even harder to walk as time goes on. Dodge the bullet, man, dodge it.
ah, memories...back when there used to be good material to use, every week! What passes for humor these days, oy vey.
When they cancelled that show, the outpouring of posts about it (in the tv fray) were so outrageous I even did a special 7th Heaven Edition of "Overheard on the Fray" on it. I never saw so many whackjobs come out of the woodwork all at once - all over that show's cancellation. Sigh. Wish I could link to it. dammit.
Thank you for reminding us what fun we could have with the RHRS.
Oh, and as for the people who "get" you....[grin]
I'm down tonight. Someone I like has had something bad happen. Just makes me sick the way the world works sometime.
Can I link you? (non sequitir alert!)
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