Thursday, September 20, 2007
Freedom From Speech
Pranks, punk'd, hijinks. It's all good. Sorry to belabor the point, again, but I think this time it's justified, if for no other reason than to see the trees instead of the forest.
I prefer oranges to apples. They're more delicious and better for you, you could argue.
When I was in undergrad, a buddy and I were enjoying a lovely early evening stroll around campus when we decided to conduct a sociological experiment. We spotted a campus security rent-a-cop, all 5'4"/300lbs. of him, before he spotted us, and we started running away from him. Mind you, we'd done nothing wrong, nothing at all, which means by virtue solely of our running he gave chase.
4 hours and 7 junior pigs later, they never found us, and to this day are probably still wondering just exactly what it was that we didn't do that caused us to flee the scene. Good times. The virtue of a well-spent youth, I suppose.
But let me see if I've got this right.
Some asshole with a camera gets grabbed, restrained, hauled away, restrained some more, held down, cuffed, tasered (I prefer the extra syllable), held down some more, tasered again, hauled away, arrested, booked, put in jail, and arraigned because he exercised bad manners and poor etiquette?
It's my understanding that he was grabbed, restrained, hauled away, restrained some more, held down, cuffed, tasered (see above), held down some more, tasered again, hauled away, arrested, booked, put in jail, and arraigned because he was attempting to incite a riot.
Well I gotta say: That's some really terrible riot inciting attempts. Here's a tip: If everyone in the room hates you because you're an annoying dickhead with delusions of grandeur, then there's a pretty good chance that none of them will have your back when the campus gestapo decides to "sweep the leg Johnny". You're welcome.
Let's see: Kent State, Chicago's 1968 DNC, Birmingham's summer of 1965-ish, no taxation without representation... Hmm. Those were the days.
Sacha Baron Cohen's a genius and he's funny, 2 things our young Meyers isn't. Some of the stunts Borat pulled nearly got him killed. And the only reason he's not dead or in jail is because during filming, Larry Charles, the director, had an army of young lawyers in minivans making sure he was well within his rights to be doing what it was that he was doing. Meyers didn't have that luxury.
The cavalier attitude some of you hold with regard to your civil liberties scares the shit out of me. I guess I care a little bit more about my freedom to speak my mind. I never do it in a theater, though. But I love going to horror movies with a cinaplex full of black people because they'll have conversations with the characters on the screen -- heated, extended exchanges -- and it's usually more entertaining than the movie. Is that racist?
Anyways, those of you balking at the severity of personal infringement Meyer's stunt provoked leads me to believe you got exactly the political administration you deserve. Enjoy it, by all means. I guess we can thank the baby-booming hippies for all their hard work getting hippies elected mayor and paying for sandwiches with songs.*
I will say this: When it comes to outsourcing democracy to countries we've accidentally invaded again, would it be too much to ask if, every once in awhile, we went ahead and practiced a little democracy here on our own shores? Practice it till we get good at it, you see.
Meyer's real crime was taking an ideal opportunity to be brutally funny and squandering it for the sake of misplaced disobedience. For that? Yeah, lock him up and throw away the key. His exposing our illusion of freedom and security may have been accidental, but that's just because the means really do justify the ends.
(Man. This water I'm sitting in in this giant frying pan is starting to get uncomfortably warm, by the way.)
*Patton Oswalt
I prefer oranges to apples. They're more delicious and better for you, you could argue.
When I was in undergrad, a buddy and I were enjoying a lovely early evening stroll around campus when we decided to conduct a sociological experiment. We spotted a campus security rent-a-cop, all 5'4"/300lbs. of him, before he spotted us, and we started running away from him. Mind you, we'd done nothing wrong, nothing at all, which means by virtue solely of our running he gave chase.
4 hours and 7 junior pigs later, they never found us, and to this day are probably still wondering just exactly what it was that we didn't do that caused us to flee the scene. Good times. The virtue of a well-spent youth, I suppose.
But let me see if I've got this right.
Some asshole with a camera gets grabbed, restrained, hauled away, restrained some more, held down, cuffed, tasered (I prefer the extra syllable), held down some more, tasered again, hauled away, arrested, booked, put in jail, and arraigned because he exercised bad manners and poor etiquette?
It's my understanding that he was grabbed, restrained, hauled away, restrained some more, held down, cuffed, tasered (see above), held down some more, tasered again, hauled away, arrested, booked, put in jail, and arraigned because he was attempting to incite a riot.
Well I gotta say: That's some really terrible riot inciting attempts. Here's a tip: If everyone in the room hates you because you're an annoying dickhead with delusions of grandeur, then there's a pretty good chance that none of them will have your back when the campus gestapo decides to "sweep the leg Johnny". You're welcome.
Let's see: Kent State, Chicago's 1968 DNC, Birmingham's summer of 1965-ish, no taxation without representation... Hmm. Those were the days.
Sacha Baron Cohen's a genius and he's funny, 2 things our young Meyers isn't. Some of the stunts Borat pulled nearly got him killed. And the only reason he's not dead or in jail is because during filming, Larry Charles, the director, had an army of young lawyers in minivans making sure he was well within his rights to be doing what it was that he was doing. Meyers didn't have that luxury.
The cavalier attitude some of you hold with regard to your civil liberties scares the shit out of me. I guess I care a little bit more about my freedom to speak my mind. I never do it in a theater, though. But I love going to horror movies with a cinaplex full of black people because they'll have conversations with the characters on the screen -- heated, extended exchanges -- and it's usually more entertaining than the movie. Is that racist?
Anyways, those of you balking at the severity of personal infringement Meyer's stunt provoked leads me to believe you got exactly the political administration you deserve. Enjoy it, by all means. I guess we can thank the baby-booming hippies for all their hard work getting hippies elected mayor and paying for sandwiches with songs.*
I will say this: When it comes to outsourcing democracy to countries we've accidentally invaded again, would it be too much to ask if, every once in awhile, we went ahead and practiced a little democracy here on our own shores? Practice it till we get good at it, you see.
Meyer's real crime was taking an ideal opportunity to be brutally funny and squandering it for the sake of misplaced disobedience. For that? Yeah, lock him up and throw away the key. His exposing our illusion of freedom and security may have been accidental, but that's just because the means really do justify the ends.
(Man. This water I'm sitting in in this giant frying pan is starting to get uncomfortably warm, by the way.)
*Patton Oswalt
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Today We've All Been Tasered
College Pigs Deck Campus Loudmouth At Non-Event
HELP! HELP ME! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! or not
Former Presidential Hopeful Pleads [For] 5th (Of Bourbon) Mastering Art Of Speaking While Still Asleep (At The Wheel [Again])
America's Future Looks On And Laughs At Totalitarianism
Oh well. It's only freedom. So I'll try to keep this brief.
Was Meyer an annoying little prick who was out for attention? Probably. He's a journalism major. How could he not be? Was he out of line and out of line? Looks like it. He's a journalism major. How could he not be? Did some of those cops want to punch him in the face? I know I did. Journalism's been on vacation since 1972.
Still, there's a pretty big difference between wanting to punch someone in the face and actually punching someone in the face. It's called democracy. Democracy is probably the worst form of government on the planet, earth, because it's both really hard to maintain and nearly impossible to enforce. Democracy is having to listen to someone advocating things that make you sick to your stomach while at the same time lobbying till you're completely spent for that person's inalienable right to be advocating those very things that make you sick to your stomach.
I.e., it's not that this whole thing is a slippery slope. It's that this whole thing means we've already slid down the slope and are currently trying to claw our way back up the slope while some mongoloid storm trooper is, that's right, tasering us in the gonads.
Don't get me wrong: I'm one of those adopted southerners who'd like to see "Separate but equal" given another shot at primetime. But if you're at all familiar with Gainesville, then you're at all familiar with the people I work/play/live with. In other words ("i.e."), they'd would've laughed at someone, and let's not by coy about this, being tortured with an electrical device.
I'm no lawyer (Word on the street is that there may be 2 or 3 ambulance chasers posting right here on The New Fray!) , but the last time I checked, you couldn't be cuffed by Johnny Longarm for being annoying. If that were the case, then Best of the Fray would look like Dispatches From the Martha Stewart Trial. (I miss it. I really do.)
That whole "freedom of speech" bit? I'm against it. You should already know that. If you don't, you're reading the wrong people.
Perhaps a better approach [apologies/thanks to ThyGoddess]:
"Hi, Senator Kerry. I wore flipflops in your honor. I have 3 questions:
1.) Why didn't you contest the election results in South Florida, where, just like back in 2000, black people became felons overnight?
2.) If you can't impeach the president for invading the wrong country at the wrong time, can you initiate impeachment proceedings based on the fact that he's an idiot?
3.) When you were in Skull and Bones, was there some initiation process in which, when you're laying in that coffin masturbating, you have to pledge to be spineless turds for the rest of your life?
Thanks in advance for your candor. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get tasered by people too stupid to realize it's their fundamental rights I'm trying to exercise. Didn't realize I'd actually be exorcising them."
HELP! HELP ME! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! or not
Former Presidential Hopeful Pleads [For] 5th (Of Bourbon) Mastering Art Of Speaking While Still Asleep (At The Wheel [Again])
America's Future Looks On And Laughs At Totalitarianism
Oh well. It's only freedom. So I'll try to keep this brief.
Was Meyer an annoying little prick who was out for attention? Probably. He's a journalism major. How could he not be? Was he out of line and out of line? Looks like it. He's a journalism major. How could he not be? Did some of those cops want to punch him in the face? I know I did. Journalism's been on vacation since 1972.
Still, there's a pretty big difference between wanting to punch someone in the face and actually punching someone in the face. It's called democracy. Democracy is probably the worst form of government on the planet, earth, because it's both really hard to maintain and nearly impossible to enforce. Democracy is having to listen to someone advocating things that make you sick to your stomach while at the same time lobbying till you're completely spent for that person's inalienable right to be advocating those very things that make you sick to your stomach.
I.e., it's not that this whole thing is a slippery slope. It's that this whole thing means we've already slid down the slope and are currently trying to claw our way back up the slope while some mongoloid storm trooper is, that's right, tasering us in the gonads.
Don't get me wrong: I'm one of those adopted southerners who'd like to see "Separate but equal" given another shot at primetime. But if you're at all familiar with Gainesville, then you're at all familiar with the people I work/play/live with. In other words ("i.e."), they'd would've laughed at someone, and let's not by coy about this, being tortured with an electrical device.
I'm no lawyer (Word on the street is that there may be 2 or 3 ambulance chasers posting right here on The New Fray!) , but the last time I checked, you couldn't be cuffed by Johnny Longarm for being annoying. If that were the case, then Best of the Fray would look like Dispatches From the Martha Stewart Trial. (I miss it. I really do.)
That whole "freedom of speech" bit? I'm against it. You should already know that. If you don't, you're reading the wrong people.
Perhaps a better approach [apologies/thanks to ThyGoddess]:
"Hi, Senator Kerry. I wore flipflops in your honor. I have 3 questions:
1.) Why didn't you contest the election results in South Florida, where, just like back in 2000, black people became felons overnight?
2.) If you can't impeach the president for invading the wrong country at the wrong time, can you initiate impeachment proceedings based on the fact that he's an idiot?
3.) When you were in Skull and Bones, was there some initiation process in which, when you're laying in that coffin masturbating, you have to pledge to be spineless turds for the rest of your life?
Thanks in advance for your candor. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get tasered by people too stupid to realize it's their fundamental rights I'm trying to exercise. Didn't realize I'd actually be exorcising them."
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
O.J. Casino Video Transcripts Leaked
Juice Caught With Hand In Sports Memorabilia Jar
IF THE JERSEY FITS IT'S GOODBYE RITZ
Marsha Clark Recruited To Screw Up Open-Shut Case Completely, Totally
What Happens In Vegas In Bars Stays In Vegas Behind Them
Uh oh. Don't look now, but word on the street is that O.J. Simpson may or may not have tried to steal back all his worthless sports crap that he sold in order to pay off the family of that blond gal and her male gigolo he murdered over ten years ago, creating motherless children again. Packing heat and some extra muscle, even. I guess his next book will be Just Exactly How Stupid Am I?
Man. That's a well you don't go to more than once. Karma. I don't care if you've got "slave feet": Nobody but nobody outruns the Vegas P.D. Not his best Ocean's Eleven moment, to say the least.
Unless you haven't heard it yet, TMZ.com has a recording of O.J.'s confrontation with the hotel casino concierge attempting to thwart a robbery. It's not pretty and may not be suited to our younger readers. Many boat hands died for this information. Proceed at your own risk.
"Concierge: Good evening, sir. How may I help you?
O.J. Simpson: Hi. I'm O.J. Simpson. You may recognize me from those TV commercials where I jumped over all the airport seating to catch a flight.
C: Hmm... I don't recall those.
OJS: Really? I used to play football. I'm quite famous.
C: Were you in Roots?
OJS: No, but I was in the first 2 Naked Gun movies. Wait. Was I in the second one? I know at one point I got pushed off the deck of a boat in a wheelchair. Funny stuff!
C: I'm not familiar with that film franchise. Now what is it I can do for you?
OJS: Well, see, here's the thing: A bunch of my stuff is in your vault, and I kinda sorta need it back in order to get to the bottom of who killed my ex-wife, finally.
C: Oh, now I remember: You're the dude with the ill-fitting glove and the baked surfer dude living out back. Say, whatever happened to that guy? Didn't he have a talk show at one point?
OJS: He's currently painting pictures on turtles in San Jose. Anyways, about my stuff. Can I have it, please?
C: Let me check the manifesto... Hmm... It says here that the contents of our vault are the property of several other people, but I don't see your name amongst them.
OJS: Well, if you went and got my stuff you'd see that my name is on most of the sports memorabilia. If it's not mine, then tell me why it's got my name on it.
C: Your name being on the merchandise has nothing to do with it. Possession is 9/10ths of the law.
OJS: Did you actually think I was going to come into a hotel casino in Vegas and demand the contents of its vault without some backup? Just how stupid do you think I am? Wait. That's catchy, might make a nice follow up to If I Did It. Darnell, write that down. Now, where was I? Oh, right. What if I told you that I and my 2 associates happened to have guns in our pockets?
C: I'd ask, 'Or are you just happy to see me?'
OJS: Don't do anything funny.
C: Sir, armed robbery is no laughing matter. I'm afraid I'll have to deny your request.
OJS: Then I demand to see your supervisor.
C: Very well. [click] Steve, could you come to the front desk? Someone claiming all that useless shit in the vault is his because it's got his name on it would like to speak to you. [click]
OJS: Now we're getting somewhere.
Assistant Night Manager: What seems to be the problem here?
OJS: The stuff in your vault is mine. I'd like it back. I'm in a bit of a time jam and I'd appreciate your cooperation.
ANM: Your name, please?
OJS: O.J. Simpson. I'm a football player.
ANM: Really? You look a little long in the the tooth for the gridiron. You look familiar to me. Were you on Dancing With The Stars?
OJS: No, but I competed in many Battle Of The Network Stars.
ANM: Battle of the what what?
OJS: Battle Of The Network Stars? When TV stars would form teams made up of actors starring in some of television's favorite shows back in the 70's and early 80's. Farah Fawcett, Mike Farrell, Dan Haggerty, Richard Hatch, Gabe Kaplan. You know, the giants. They'd compete in obstacle courses and things of that nature. And the grand finale would be the tug-of-war contest between the top 2 teams of the 3 networks. PBS could never throw a team together. They'd try to put together a crew, but Louis Rukeyser would always pull out at the last minute. He was their baseball dunk ringer. Anyways, I need my stuff.
ANM: So you're a TV actor?
OJS: Er, sort of. You may have seen what's turned out to be the 1st reality TV show over 10 years ago. It was called Oops! I Just Killed My Wife! It was genius. Someone plants my dead ex-wife in the kitchen, blood everywhere, a knife, bloody footprints, latex gloves...
C: Weren't you Benson on Soap?
OJS: No. Seriously? You don't remember? The white Bronco low speed police chase? [makes steering motions in air] 'If it doesn't fit, you must acquit'? The trial that lasted over a year? I'm the most famous bullet dodger on the planet. I may or may not have chopped my wife's head off, but I told a whopper, just like Queen Elizabeth's Diana plot, or our current president.
ANM: Not ringing any bells. I'm afraid I'm unable to meet your demands, Mr.... Simpson, was it?
OJS: Then I need to see your supervisor.
ANM: Very well. [click] Dan: Could you come to the front desk please? [click]
Head of Security: What do you want, O.J.?
OJS: Thank god. You know me. But wait: You're black. The head of security is black?
HoS: Thanks for taking the time to notice. You have a problem with that?
OJS: As a matter of fact, I do.
ANM: Why?
OJS: Because when a black man is found innocent of killing a white woman when it's obvious he's guilty, white people don't riot in the streets. Unless it's the deep south pre-civil rights, in which case there's no trial; he was just lynched.
OJS: Fuck you.
HoS: Fuck me? I grew up watching you play football. You were like Baryshnikov in cleats. Performance art at its finest. An incredible role model for black youth. How ironic that it turns out you're little more than an ignorant thug. You're no better than these rappers that talk about hos and bling and killing cops. You may have beat the rap, but i'd rather 50 Cent babysit my kids.
OJS: Fuck you. We've got guns.
HoS: Really? You pin cushion your wife and now you're trying to rob people? I wonder what Jackie Robinson would think.
OJS: I wonder what Jesse Jackson would think, nigga!
HoS: I bet you do. Listen: Do yourself a favor, leave, sober up, call your agent, get your acting career back on track, take a page out of Wynona Rider's book. Anything to prevent yourself from embracing your self-fulfilling destiny as a small time has-been. Think of the kids.
OJS: I'm O.J. Simson. I won the Heisman trophy. I shredded my ex-wife's face with a carving knife and got away with it. I can do anything I want. Now give me my shit.
HoS: This hotel is equipped with 123,597 hidden cameras, 239 of which are currently pointed directly at you. Just exactly how stupid are you?
OJS: How stupid am I? Stupid enough to kill my own wife and get away with it. That's how stupid. It'll all be in my new memoir. Darnell? Are you getting all this?
Darnell: No, but I think that little microphone in those flowers might be.
OJS: Oh. Right. Can I have a copy of that?
HoS: Sure. But something tells me you won't be the only one getting a copy.
OJS: Excellent. Nothing like a little pre-released buzz to raise some cash. Daddy needs a new lawyer. Could you cc it to Entertainment Tonight? I know a guy.
HoS: Congratulations on your finally having achieved '10-foot pole' status. Loved the book, by the way."
To be continued...
IF THE JERSEY FITS IT'S GOODBYE RITZ
Marsha Clark Recruited To Screw Up Open-Shut Case Completely, Totally
What Happens In Vegas In Bars Stays In Vegas Behind Them
Uh oh. Don't look now, but word on the street is that O.J. Simpson may or may not have tried to steal back all his worthless sports crap that he sold in order to pay off the family of that blond gal and her male gigolo he murdered over ten years ago, creating motherless children again. Packing heat and some extra muscle, even. I guess his next book will be Just Exactly How Stupid Am I?
Man. That's a well you don't go to more than once. Karma. I don't care if you've got "slave feet": Nobody but nobody outruns the Vegas P.D. Not his best Ocean's Eleven moment, to say the least.
Unless you haven't heard it yet, TMZ.com has a recording of O.J.'s confrontation with the hotel casino concierge attempting to thwart a robbery. It's not pretty and may not be suited to our younger readers. Many boat hands died for this information. Proceed at your own risk.
"Concierge: Good evening, sir. How may I help you?
O.J. Simpson: Hi. I'm O.J. Simpson. You may recognize me from those TV commercials where I jumped over all the airport seating to catch a flight.
C: Hmm... I don't recall those.
OJS: Really? I used to play football. I'm quite famous.
C: Were you in Roots?
OJS: No, but I was in the first 2 Naked Gun movies. Wait. Was I in the second one? I know at one point I got pushed off the deck of a boat in a wheelchair. Funny stuff!
C: I'm not familiar with that film franchise. Now what is it I can do for you?
OJS: Well, see, here's the thing: A bunch of my stuff is in your vault, and I kinda sorta need it back in order to get to the bottom of who killed my ex-wife, finally.
C: Oh, now I remember: You're the dude with the ill-fitting glove and the baked surfer dude living out back. Say, whatever happened to that guy? Didn't he have a talk show at one point?
OJS: He's currently painting pictures on turtles in San Jose. Anyways, about my stuff. Can I have it, please?
C: Let me check the manifesto... Hmm... It says here that the contents of our vault are the property of several other people, but I don't see your name amongst them.
OJS: Well, if you went and got my stuff you'd see that my name is on most of the sports memorabilia. If it's not mine, then tell me why it's got my name on it.
C: Your name being on the merchandise has nothing to do with it. Possession is 9/10ths of the law.
OJS: Did you actually think I was going to come into a hotel casino in Vegas and demand the contents of its vault without some backup? Just how stupid do you think I am? Wait. That's catchy, might make a nice follow up to If I Did It. Darnell, write that down. Now, where was I? Oh, right. What if I told you that I and my 2 associates happened to have guns in our pockets?
C: I'd ask, 'Or are you just happy to see me?'
OJS: Don't do anything funny.
C: Sir, armed robbery is no laughing matter. I'm afraid I'll have to deny your request.
OJS: Then I demand to see your supervisor.
C: Very well. [click] Steve, could you come to the front desk? Someone claiming all that useless shit in the vault is his because it's got his name on it would like to speak to you. [click]
OJS: Now we're getting somewhere.
Assistant Night Manager: What seems to be the problem here?
OJS: The stuff in your vault is mine. I'd like it back. I'm in a bit of a time jam and I'd appreciate your cooperation.
ANM: Your name, please?
OJS: O.J. Simpson. I'm a football player.
ANM: Really? You look a little long in the the tooth for the gridiron. You look familiar to me. Were you on Dancing With The Stars?
OJS: No, but I competed in many Battle Of The Network Stars.
ANM: Battle of the what what?
OJS: Battle Of The Network Stars? When TV stars would form teams made up of actors starring in some of television's favorite shows back in the 70's and early 80's. Farah Fawcett, Mike Farrell, Dan Haggerty, Richard Hatch, Gabe Kaplan. You know, the giants. They'd compete in obstacle courses and things of that nature. And the grand finale would be the tug-of-war contest between the top 2 teams of the 3 networks. PBS could never throw a team together. They'd try to put together a crew, but Louis Rukeyser would always pull out at the last minute. He was their baseball dunk ringer. Anyways, I need my stuff.
ANM: So you're a TV actor?
OJS: Er, sort of. You may have seen what's turned out to be the 1st reality TV show over 10 years ago. It was called Oops! I Just Killed My Wife! It was genius. Someone plants my dead ex-wife in the kitchen, blood everywhere, a knife, bloody footprints, latex gloves...
C: Weren't you Benson on Soap?
OJS: No. Seriously? You don't remember? The white Bronco low speed police chase? [makes steering motions in air] 'If it doesn't fit, you must acquit'? The trial that lasted over a year? I'm the most famous bullet dodger on the planet. I may or may not have chopped my wife's head off, but I told a whopper, just like Queen Elizabeth's Diana plot, or our current president.
ANM: Not ringing any bells. I'm afraid I'm unable to meet your demands, Mr.... Simpson, was it?
OJS: Then I need to see your supervisor.
ANM: Very well. [click] Dan: Could you come to the front desk please? [click]
Head of Security: What do you want, O.J.?
OJS: Thank god. You know me. But wait: You're black. The head of security is black?
HoS: Thanks for taking the time to notice. You have a problem with that?
OJS: As a matter of fact, I do.
ANM: Why?
OJS: Because when a black man is found innocent of killing a white woman when it's obvious he's guilty, white people don't riot in the streets. Unless it's the deep south pre-civil rights, in which case there's no trial; he was just lynched.
OJS: Fuck you.
HoS: Fuck me? I grew up watching you play football. You were like Baryshnikov in cleats. Performance art at its finest. An incredible role model for black youth. How ironic that it turns out you're little more than an ignorant thug. You're no better than these rappers that talk about hos and bling and killing cops. You may have beat the rap, but i'd rather 50 Cent babysit my kids.
OJS: Fuck you. We've got guns.
HoS: Really? You pin cushion your wife and now you're trying to rob people? I wonder what Jackie Robinson would think.
OJS: I wonder what Jesse Jackson would think, nigga!
HoS: I bet you do. Listen: Do yourself a favor, leave, sober up, call your agent, get your acting career back on track, take a page out of Wynona Rider's book. Anything to prevent yourself from embracing your self-fulfilling destiny as a small time has-been. Think of the kids.
OJS: I'm O.J. Simson. I won the Heisman trophy. I shredded my ex-wife's face with a carving knife and got away with it. I can do anything I want. Now give me my shit.
HoS: This hotel is equipped with 123,597 hidden cameras, 239 of which are currently pointed directly at you. Just exactly how stupid are you?
OJS: How stupid am I? Stupid enough to kill my own wife and get away with it. That's how stupid. It'll all be in my new memoir. Darnell? Are you getting all this?
Darnell: No, but I think that little microphone in those flowers might be.
OJS: Oh. Right. Can I have a copy of that?
HoS: Sure. But something tells me you won't be the only one getting a copy.
OJS: Excellent. Nothing like a little pre-released buzz to raise some cash. Daddy needs a new lawyer. Could you cc it to Entertainment Tonight? I know a guy.
HoS: Congratulations on your finally having achieved '10-foot pole' status. Loved the book, by the way."
To be continued...
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Deadwood: Season 3, Part 3--Some Final Thoughts
David Milch
559 Movie Magic Lane
Glamourville, U S of A
90210
Dear Dave,
Well, if you guessed that I'm spent, you'd be right. The last 2 episodes of Season 3 alone sent me spiraling into a tailspin of "emotional embezzlement", and I don't think, 1 whole month later, that I've even recovered yet. 2 hours of perhaps the greatest television ever, cable or not.
However, this bullshit about Deadwood being too expensive to provide its rabid fans with a little bit o'closure strikes me as, well, bullshit. And retarded.
Listen, David Lynch Junior: Ending a series before you've told the entire story is terribly bad form. Terribly bad. I mean, the Earp brothers are in, like, 2 episodes and they don't really ever do anything but look askew at each other and all those around them; I still don't know who or what a "Pinkerton" is; the gay guy and the fat chick never got to put on a big show (yes, that was the Dennis Christopher, everybody); they've not even started construction on the new school; Jane and Joanie just barely got to explore their own inner lesbianisms; and we never find out why Octavius put a shiv in that Plutonian's gluteus maximus. (Er... Wait.)
I haven't seen that many loose ends since The 2005 Gay Pride Parade Home Coming Queen Court staged a live game of Thong Twister on the Moulin Rouge float. Good times.
(Though Ellsworth did get his head blown off. So that storyline is pretty much a dead end.)
Anyways...
So, yeah, you're gonna hafta out-Lynch Lynch (or lynch Lynch, as the case may be) and make a full-length feature film released in theaters that wraps up all the storylines but doesn't unravel itself in masturbatory self-musings the way Fire Walk With Me did.
You'll make 5 bajillion dollars in the first weekend alone. It will pay for itself in about 10 minutes. Hell, start a donation campaign and it could be all for-profit.
So please, Dave: Do it for Deadwood's fans; do it for Deadwood's cast; do it for Deadwood's memory. But for godsakes, just do it. But you'd better do it well, or you'll be the one getting David Lynched.
Yours sincerely,
switters
559 Movie Magic Lane
Glamourville, U S of A
90210
Dear Dave,
Well, if you guessed that I'm spent, you'd be right. The last 2 episodes of Season 3 alone sent me spiraling into a tailspin of "emotional embezzlement", and I don't think, 1 whole month later, that I've even recovered yet. 2 hours of perhaps the greatest television ever, cable or not.
However, this bullshit about Deadwood being too expensive to provide its rabid fans with a little bit o'closure strikes me as, well, bullshit. And retarded.
Listen, David Lynch Junior: Ending a series before you've told the entire story is terribly bad form. Terribly bad. I mean, the Earp brothers are in, like, 2 episodes and they don't really ever do anything but look askew at each other and all those around them; I still don't know who or what a "Pinkerton" is; the gay guy and the fat chick never got to put on a big show (yes, that was the Dennis Christopher, everybody); they've not even started construction on the new school; Jane and Joanie just barely got to explore their own inner lesbianisms; and we never find out why Octavius put a shiv in that Plutonian's gluteus maximus. (Er... Wait.)
I haven't seen that many loose ends since The 2005 Gay Pride Parade Home Coming Queen Court staged a live game of Thong Twister on the Moulin Rouge float. Good times.
(Though Ellsworth did get his head blown off. So that storyline is pretty much a dead end.)
Anyways...
So, yeah, you're gonna hafta out-Lynch Lynch (or lynch Lynch, as the case may be) and make a full-length feature film released in theaters that wraps up all the storylines but doesn't unravel itself in masturbatory self-musings the way Fire Walk With Me did.
You'll make 5 bajillion dollars in the first weekend alone. It will pay for itself in about 10 minutes. Hell, start a donation campaign and it could be all for-profit.
So please, Dave: Do it for Deadwood's fans; do it for Deadwood's cast; do it for Deadwood's memory. But for godsakes, just do it. But you'd better do it well, or you'll be the one getting David Lynched.
Yours sincerely,
switters
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Iraq Is So Not Vietnam
Okay, this one should be pretty obvious, kids. I feel really bad that I have to point these sorts of things out. It makes me feel very sorry for almost every single one of you.They're not even the same country!?! Southeast Asia and The Middle East are not contiguous.
The Iraq campaign may or may not be many things: illegal, immoral, wrongheaded, poorly thought out and planned, mismanaged, inappropriate, illegal and stupid.
But one thing we can be relatively certain about is that Iraq is so not Vietnam.
In Vietnam, we were looking for "Charlie"
And "gooks". In Iraq, we're looking for Achmed, and "sand niggers". 2 completely different sorts of folks. "Gooks" have slanted eyes with weird eyelids, greenish-blue skin, pointy teeth, and black hair. "Sand niggers" have wide-eyes with massive eyebrows, brown skin, no teeth, and kinky hair. Idiots.
We haven't secretly invaded an adjacent country
Like when we went into Cambodia and Laos without ever really telling anyone. You don't see us stumbling over there to Iran without at least letting someone know where we are, do you?
Our involvement in the Vietnam conflict started way back in the early 1960s, lasted over a decade and killed over 30,000 G.I.s, many of whom were drafted
We've only been in Iraq a little over 3 years and we haven't even lost 4,000 G.I.s, all of whom are volunteers, such that inner-city black youth with go-nowhere futures and rural white trash meth-head losers with little education could be called "volunteers". A mere technicality, John Kerry Junior.
The Vietnam conflict was fought in the jungle
The Iraq police action is being fought in the desert. That's practically the opposite of a jungle. Jungles are filled with exotic trees, bugs, monkeys, and it rains a lot. Deserts are arid with very few trees and mostly just scorpions and things of that nature. And it rarely rains in the desert. Newsflash!!! That's why it's a desert. Is this thing even on?
In Vietnam, we had a clear objective, which was to hold off those ugly commies from spreading their lies in the region
We haven't the faintest fucking clue what the hell we're supposed to be doing in Iraq. That's what makes it so very American to be there. Do try to keep up.
The president during the end of the Vietnam War was a raging alcoholic drunk on power, used the constitution as a coaster, spied on his own people, and drove the presidency so far into the ground that he just as well could've been running for the presidency of China
George Bush hasn't had a drink in 20 years.
Vietnam vets got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and when they came home they got spit on
Iraq vets got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and when they came home they got pissed on. Sure, it was their own piss, but piss couldn't be more different than spit no matter how hard piss tried not to be.
In Iraq, we've got almost as many (if not more) "mercenaries" than we do soldiers
We didn't have any mercenaries in Vietnam. Back then they were called "CIA", and there weren't nearly as many not there as we've been led to believe. You might want to brush up on your American history, dumbass. Seriously.
Some Vietnamese civilians, many of whom were blown up into millions of tiny little pieces, didn't want us there
Some Iraqi civilians, may of whom have been blown up into millions of tiny little pieces, do want us there. Badly. It's just that those that do want us there aren't as vocal as those that don't. That "silent majority" I mentioned in my "FOX News" post nobody read.
But note that antecedent up there. Of course many Iraqi civilians want us there. It's just that they want us in Vietnam. Double check the fine print, pinheads.
Iraq and Vietnam are in different time zones
Jesus-rimjob-Christ! Am I saying this? Am I actually having to say this out loud?!? Vietnam is currently residing in the Where Are They Now Sub-Standard Time, while Iraq has been reduced to 1645 A.D.-ish. It's been in a couple papers.
Apparently Vietnamese hookers played an important role in the life of our pre-disco G.I.s
Looks like Iraqi hookers don't play much of a role in the lives of our post-grunge G.I.s, because the last time I checked, Iraqi hookers are 1.) much more discrete than their Vietnamese counterparts; 2.)--wait: There's no such thing as an Iraqi prostitute; 3.) Iraqi women who are only allowed to have sex if it's in the torture chamber of your date's dad's summer palace (3rd door on the left off the main foyer); 4.) not Britney, who bombed at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas ("Let it go, Dutch. Let it go."); 5.) of the mind that in Iraq, safe sex is considered illegal unless it's in another country with a not Iraqi guy; 6.) Iraqi women who are only allowed to have sex if it's in the Rape Room of their date's dad's winter retreat (down the stairs, 2nd door on the right past the laundry room/anal probe station); 7.) not really "hookers". They're "future suicide bomber semen receptacles". A little red-blooded American,er... blood could only enhance the sheer pointlessness of it "all". Take that, Swift Boat Retards For Bullshit.
The War In Vietnam was real!
The War In Iraq is a video game on CNN.
So, to sum up: Iraq is so not Vietnam because of racial profiling, ray shawl pro filing, proportional first responders, global raining, automatic laugh tracks during news conferences, the wisdom to know the deference, the Jane Fonda syndrome, Walter can't read, nation exploding building, Mei Lei-esqueness, except on the west coast, "me love you long time", and Play Station 2.
Oh well. At least nobody was lied to this time already, again.
The Iraq campaign may or may not be many things: illegal, immoral, wrongheaded, poorly thought out and planned, mismanaged, inappropriate, illegal and stupid.
But one thing we can be relatively certain about is that Iraq is so not Vietnam.
In Vietnam, we were looking for "Charlie"
And "gooks". In Iraq, we're looking for Achmed, and "sand niggers". 2 completely different sorts of folks. "Gooks" have slanted eyes with weird eyelids, greenish-blue skin, pointy teeth, and black hair. "Sand niggers" have wide-eyes with massive eyebrows, brown skin, no teeth, and kinky hair. Idiots.
We haven't secretly invaded an adjacent country
Like when we went into Cambodia and Laos without ever really telling anyone. You don't see us stumbling over there to Iran without at least letting someone know where we are, do you?
Our involvement in the Vietnam conflict started way back in the early 1960s, lasted over a decade and killed over 30,000 G.I.s, many of whom were drafted
We've only been in Iraq a little over 3 years and we haven't even lost 4,000 G.I.s, all of whom are volunteers, such that inner-city black youth with go-nowhere futures and rural white trash meth-head losers with little education could be called "volunteers". A mere technicality, John Kerry Junior.
The Vietnam conflict was fought in the jungle
The Iraq police action is being fought in the desert. That's practically the opposite of a jungle. Jungles are filled with exotic trees, bugs, monkeys, and it rains a lot. Deserts are arid with very few trees and mostly just scorpions and things of that nature. And it rarely rains in the desert. Newsflash!!! That's why it's a desert. Is this thing even on?
In Vietnam, we had a clear objective, which was to hold off those ugly commies from spreading their lies in the region
We haven't the faintest fucking clue what the hell we're supposed to be doing in Iraq. That's what makes it so very American to be there. Do try to keep up.
The president during the end of the Vietnam War was a raging alcoholic drunk on power, used the constitution as a coaster, spied on his own people, and drove the presidency so far into the ground that he just as well could've been running for the presidency of China
George Bush hasn't had a drink in 20 years.
Vietnam vets got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and when they came home they got spit on
Iraq vets got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and when they came home they got pissed on. Sure, it was their own piss, but piss couldn't be more different than spit no matter how hard piss tried not to be.
In Iraq, we've got almost as many (if not more) "mercenaries" than we do soldiers
We didn't have any mercenaries in Vietnam. Back then they were called "CIA", and there weren't nearly as many not there as we've been led to believe. You might want to brush up on your American history, dumbass. Seriously.
Some Vietnamese civilians, many of whom were blown up into millions of tiny little pieces, didn't want us there
Some Iraqi civilians, may of whom have been blown up into millions of tiny little pieces, do want us there. Badly. It's just that those that do want us there aren't as vocal as those that don't. That "silent majority" I mentioned in my "FOX News" post nobody read.
But note that antecedent up there. Of course many Iraqi civilians want us there. It's just that they want us in Vietnam. Double check the fine print, pinheads.
Iraq and Vietnam are in different time zones
Jesus-rimjob-Christ! Am I saying this? Am I actually having to say this out loud?!? Vietnam is currently residing in the Where Are They Now Sub-Standard Time, while Iraq has been reduced to 1645 A.D.-ish. It's been in a couple papers.
Apparently Vietnamese hookers played an important role in the life of our pre-disco G.I.s
Looks like Iraqi hookers don't play much of a role in the lives of our post-grunge G.I.s, because the last time I checked, Iraqi hookers are 1.) much more discrete than their Vietnamese counterparts; 2.)--wait: There's no such thing as an Iraqi prostitute; 3.) Iraqi women who are only allowed to have sex if it's in the torture chamber of your date's dad's summer palace (3rd door on the left off the main foyer); 4.) not Britney, who bombed at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas ("Let it go, Dutch. Let it go."); 5.) of the mind that in Iraq, safe sex is considered illegal unless it's in another country with a not Iraqi guy; 6.) Iraqi women who are only allowed to have sex if it's in the Rape Room of their date's dad's winter retreat (down the stairs, 2nd door on the right past the laundry room/anal probe station); 7.) not really "hookers". They're "future suicide bomber semen receptacles". A little red-blooded American,er... blood could only enhance the sheer pointlessness of it "all". Take that, Swift Boat Retards For Bullshit.
The War In Vietnam was real!
The War In Iraq is a video game on CNN.
So, to sum up: Iraq is so not Vietnam because of racial profiling, ray shawl pro filing, proportional first responders, global raining, automatic laugh tracks during news conferences, the wisdom to know the deference, the Jane Fonda syndrome, Walter can't read, nation exploding building, Mei Lei-esqueness, except on the west coast, "me love you long time", and Play Station 2.
Oh well. At least nobody was lied to this time already, again.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Bill Clinton Caused 9/11
[Anniversary rerun. As I told skitch, it's a little ironic that I had to copy/paste this from kos. Ouch.]
In our month long celebration of all things 9/11, it seems warily appropriate to get all the cards on the table. 5 years after this disaster, we still don't know whose fault it is. Until now.
With a presidential record that reveals that Clinton was more interested in the domestic health - economic, physical and social - of his fellow citizens than he was in "nation building" and "marching freedom spreading democracy" like a wheat thresher, it becomes abundantly clear just how asleep at the wheel our 42nd president (42? Have there been that many already? Really?) was, exactly.
He failed to catch bin Laden during the movie Black Hawk Down
I mean, come on. Obi Wan Kenobi practically had him in his sights when he took out that one tank thingie with a grenade launcher in order to help save the dude from Pearl Harbor. Not him, the other one. No, you're thinking of the dude from Troy and Munich. I'm talking about Colonel William ("Wally") Sharp from Armageddon.
He was soft on terror
After the incident in Somalia, all of the awe and fear we'd built up over the years made the first Gulf War look like the Bay of Pigs, literally.
He was a moderate Democrat
I.e., "pussy". But what would you expect from someone who was...
A draft-dodging faggot who never saw one day of combat
Could someone please explain to me, preferably slowly, why we would elect someone who had never fought in a war? It verges on the comical!
His vice president was an insane lunatic
All that weenie Al Gore did for 8 long years was to yammer on and on and on about the environment, predicting that if we didn't ease back off on all the consuming we'd suffer massive fluctuations in the weather, causing unprecedented natural disasters. I'm still chortling at that one, retard. Newsflash! Tsunamis and hurricanes are not caused by the weather, doofus. They're caused by God. Everybody knows that. I guess the last laugh's on you, pinhead!
He spoke thoughtfully and in complete sentences when not reading a teleprompter
Just who the fuck does he think we are? Marshall Scholars? Quit that "reasoning" and "oratory" and "presidential rhetoric" and give us the meat and potatoes. (Better: pork skins and Schlitz.)
He was sexually active
Face it, folks: the last thing we need in the Oval Office is a president engaging in various sex acts while he's "the most powerful man on our planet, earth". It sends the wrong message, i.e, "I am a human being." Is that really the image we want splattered all over the world for all its inhabitants to see?
He was so busy running the country that he forgot to run for office
You just don't do that, kids. You just don't. When the majority of politicians' time is spent vying for the opportunity to spend the majority of their time vying for the opportunity to spend the majority of their time doing just that, it creates a Zen-like flow of psychological open-endedness and participates, via its circularity, in the very circle of life that they talk about in The Lion King. And who wouldn't want that?
On the other hand, actually getting things done creates a vacuum and the illusion that you're no longer needed. That's bad (for) business.
He wasn't fanatically Zionist
You can't achieve peace in the Middle East unless you're prepared to suck some kosher dick. Israel is the only, and I mean the only sane nation in the greater Middle Eastern metropolitan area. If Middle Eastern Peace were a restaurant, then Israel would be the uppity maitre 'd, and he'll be happy to inform you, after saying, "And you are...", that reservations are required months in advance, even years for larger parties. "Perhaps you should try that new place, Iraqi's Quagmire, just down the street," he'll say. "That may be more in your price range. And if I'm not mistaken they do accept reason and logic."
You don't talk to those people with reason and logic. You talk to those people with cruise missiles and artillery shells, RPGs and landmines, IEDs and SUVs. The language of anti-personnel devices and collateral damage is the only language those desert apes can understand. And you know it.
So, to sum up: Bill Clinton caused 9/11 because of Armageddon (not the movie this time), John F. Kennedy, moderation, AWOL (Absent With Out Leaving), "global cooling", stupidity-as-empowerment, productivity, and anti-Semitism.
Truth hurts, doesn't it?
In our month long celebration of all things 9/11, it seems warily appropriate to get all the cards on the table. 5 years after this disaster, we still don't know whose fault it is. Until now.
With a presidential record that reveals that Clinton was more interested in the domestic health - economic, physical and social - of his fellow citizens than he was in "nation building" and "marching freedom spreading democracy" like a wheat thresher, it becomes abundantly clear just how asleep at the wheel our 42nd president (42? Have there been that many already? Really?) was, exactly.
He failed to catch bin Laden during the movie Black Hawk Down
I mean, come on. Obi Wan Kenobi practically had him in his sights when he took out that one tank thingie with a grenade launcher in order to help save the dude from Pearl Harbor. Not him, the other one. No, you're thinking of the dude from Troy and Munich. I'm talking about Colonel William ("Wally") Sharp from Armageddon.
He was soft on terror
After the incident in Somalia, all of the awe and fear we'd built up over the years made the first Gulf War look like the Bay of Pigs, literally.
He was a moderate Democrat
I.e., "pussy". But what would you expect from someone who was...
A draft-dodging faggot who never saw one day of combat
Could someone please explain to me, preferably slowly, why we would elect someone who had never fought in a war? It verges on the comical!
His vice president was an insane lunatic
All that weenie Al Gore did for 8 long years was to yammer on and on and on about the environment, predicting that if we didn't ease back off on all the consuming we'd suffer massive fluctuations in the weather, causing unprecedented natural disasters. I'm still chortling at that one, retard. Newsflash! Tsunamis and hurricanes are not caused by the weather, doofus. They're caused by God. Everybody knows that. I guess the last laugh's on you, pinhead!
He spoke thoughtfully and in complete sentences when not reading a teleprompter
Just who the fuck does he think we are? Marshall Scholars? Quit that "reasoning" and "oratory" and "presidential rhetoric" and give us the meat and potatoes. (Better: pork skins and Schlitz.)
He was sexually active
Face it, folks: the last thing we need in the Oval Office is a president engaging in various sex acts while he's "the most powerful man on our planet, earth". It sends the wrong message, i.e, "I am a human being." Is that really the image we want splattered all over the world for all its inhabitants to see?
He was so busy running the country that he forgot to run for office
You just don't do that, kids. You just don't. When the majority of politicians' time is spent vying for the opportunity to spend the majority of their time vying for the opportunity to spend the majority of their time doing just that, it creates a Zen-like flow of psychological open-endedness and participates, via its circularity, in the very circle of life that they talk about in The Lion King. And who wouldn't want that?
On the other hand, actually getting things done creates a vacuum and the illusion that you're no longer needed. That's bad (for) business.
He wasn't fanatically Zionist
You can't achieve peace in the Middle East unless you're prepared to suck some kosher dick. Israel is the only, and I mean the only sane nation in the greater Middle Eastern metropolitan area. If Middle Eastern Peace were a restaurant, then Israel would be the uppity maitre 'd, and he'll be happy to inform you, after saying, "And you are...", that reservations are required months in advance, even years for larger parties. "Perhaps you should try that new place, Iraqi's Quagmire, just down the street," he'll say. "That may be more in your price range. And if I'm not mistaken they do accept reason and logic."
You don't talk to those people with reason and logic. You talk to those people with cruise missiles and artillery shells, RPGs and landmines, IEDs and SUVs. The language of anti-personnel devices and collateral damage is the only language those desert apes can understand. And you know it.
So, to sum up: Bill Clinton caused 9/11 because of Armageddon (not the movie this time), John F. Kennedy, moderation, AWOL (Absent With Out Leaving), "global cooling", stupidity-as-empowerment, productivity, and anti-Semitism.
Truth hurts, doesn't it?
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